The email storm

Last night was typical of late.  I didn't sleep.  At least not until maybe 4.  I'm tired but the thoughts go 'round and 'round my head while I doze.  Sleep has been my main issue lately.  All other problems I have might be solvable, but without sleep life is unmanageable.  We just got on Medicaid so our medications are no longer a panic button issue for me, but I still have to pick up my anti-anxiety / sleep aid pills.  Gotta do that today and not forget again.  My record is two and a half days trying to sleep and not being able to.  I'm a real wreck when that happens.  I've got a bizarre sleep schedule anyway -- I live on Tokyo time.  I've tried to shift to be a morning person, but vitamin therapy, light therapy, sleep scheduling, alarms, nothing seems to move me to the morning... unless I've stayed up.  In the past, I've always been an 8-hour, very sound sleeper.  When I've had a depressive episode it can increase to 12.  That's generally my clue to get a medicine adjustment.  Funnily, my ADD gives me periods of hyper-focus that seem like mania in that I don't feel like I need to sleep.  I don't have any other mania symptoms, I'm just really interested in whatever it is I'm doing.  A lot of times it's something like a math problem, quilt, origami, putting together some broken thing or taking apart some working thing, writing, photography, video games...

Lately I just doze fitfully with a massive to-do list shuffling through my thoughts.  Each time a specific task comes into focus I hear someone's voice intoning, "Whatever you do, get this done, it will only take a few minutes.  This has got to be your number one priority."

I hate that.

So.

One of my things is selling stuff.  Most of the stuff is Theo's -- he packed about three days worth of stuff and left everything else.  And I have some advice for those of you wanting to be book collectors for profit:  buy smut.  The only books in my house that have gone up in value is the dirty comic books Theo left.  Go check out my eBay site if you're interested.  More stuff going up every day.  Wooooo.  Once I get all of his other stuff sold, I think I'll start selling his XXX toys.  I'll make sure to write some great juicy anecdotes for each one.  And soak them in Clorox.

Last bit of business for this post was going to be what I started with in the title.

I went back and started wading through the emails from last year.  I'd forgotten that I hadn't seen his email when it arrived because I was running around with other emergencies.

Here's a typical one from me to the Child Family Investigator.  When in the midst of a contentious custody battle and divorce, one gets to share everything personal right away.

from Rachel Drummond
to ********@comcast.net
cc ********@aol.com
date Fri, Jul 2, 2010 at 3:51 PM
subject Re: Budget, Itinerary and Contact information
mailed-by gmail.com

I'm still trying to find out exactly what he means ... if he meant all of this or if it was an impulsive email that he will regret right away.  I think he is staying with his sister (Julie Gillispie who wrote his character reference), but I don't know. The lawyers are trying to get it all untangled. His lawyer was unaware of his intentions until ****** ***** told her.

The kids aren't aware yet. They are still under the impression that he is visiting his mother (who is ill) for a week and will be back Monday or Tuesday. He hasn't contacted them or answered his cell phone. Rowan has been missing him; I put Theo's cell number next to the phone so they can call him when they like, but he didn't pick up when Rowan called. Jasmine has asked a few times if daddy is coming back.

I'm going to wait for a little more information before I say anything. If I don't know anything more by the time he's expected back I was planning on sitting down with them and telling them that Theo has decided to stay with his sister and mom and I don't have any more information yet. Do you have any advice or suggestions? I really don't know how he could do this to them, especially since he didn't really say goodbye or even take his belongings.

Thanks,
Rachel

Then to my lawyer, the best-est in the world.  (Call me for his name and number!)

    from    Rachel Drummond
  to     ********@aol.com
  date    Fri, Jul 2, 2010 at 2:13 AM
  subject  What does T's email mean for everyone?
  mailed-by    gmail.com

  7/2/10
       

    Dear ******:

    I just forwarded you Theo's email to me.  I'm stunned.  He's said nothing about the kids.

    If it was just me he was leaving, that wouldn't be at all surprising, but he didn't even give the kids a real good-bye.  He kissed them and said bye in the same way he does when he'd leave for the store.

    He says he's "just left."  What about the kids?  I thought we were in the middle of a divorce, can he just take off?  Do you think he's told his lawyer?

    Jasmine has asked a couple of times if her Daddy was coming back and I (assuming this was just a week long absence) assured her he was.  Theo hasn't called at all even to talk to the kids.  Rowan's been missing him and wanted to call him so I posted Theo's cell number near the phone so the kids could call him when they wanted.  Rowan tried to call today but Theo didn't pick up; Rowan seemed noticeably disappointed and refused to leave a message.  He asked when Dad would be back and I told him I guessed it would be just after the holiday weekend.  He didn't seem so sure.  Kai hasn't said anything other than that we could stay downstairs longer since Dad didn't need to get to sleep on the couch.  I don't think he told them he was leaving, but they seem to have had a better intuitive sense about it than I did.

    What happens now?  The joint account is now at  $*******.  Should I move that money into my private checking in case he changes his mind so that bills (including yours) can have a better chance of getting paid without more fights?

    I need to think about what to tell the kids ... do I tell the kids anything yet?  I'm going to call Dr ***** and ask his advice, but my first instinct is to wait until I have a little better idea.  I should give them a bit of a warning that it probably won't be Monday or Tuesday.

    Have you seen this sort of thing before?  It's really blindsided me.  I told you he "quit" things when they weren't going the way he wanted, but it's was my worst nightmare that he'd ever quit the kids -- and I told you and Dr ****** that I was worried he would.

    I am so thankful I have you to advise me.

    Rachel

Boy, I sounded corny in that closing, but I really meant it.

It was such a weird situation.  I was worried and having money in the account made be very worried.  Theo had violated a number of court orders by this time all regarding money.  Although we'd both been ordered not to change any accounts or the way we pay bills, he'd removed the money from our joint checking and rerouted his paycheck to his personal account.  He'd taken out a new credit card with both our names on it, without my permission, and charged it up to the limit in order to pay off his legal fees.  He asked me to buy the kids socks (I actually had a record of the request) and then when I did, went to the court with the overdrafts and demanded I lose access to the money because I was driving us into bankruptcy.  I then had to submit all my expenditures for the previous three months to the court.  Upon finding that I had spent incredibly little money (gas for the car, light bulbs, socks and very little else ) his motion was laughed out of cou-- I mean denied.  He'd still refused to move the money to a location where I could access it, despite the order.

Suddenly he'd put A LOT of money in the account.  (I say a lot, but then realize that if he gave me access to more than about two hundred dollars I was suspicious of his motives or figured there was an error somewhere.  In our marriage I'd purchased maybe ten pairs of jeans and some underwear and socks.  Everything else was purchased by my family for me as part of a birthday or holiday.  Even the children's clothes, since they were born or adopted, had been purchased by my mother.  The weirdest thing about it all was that he didn't want me to have access to money yet he never seemed to notice the big things, like when I saved us $15K on a car by suggesting a program car, or refinancing the house when the interest rate dropped many points, or making travel plans to maximize on bundled specials or flying off time.)  We had already been wondering where money had been going and then there was suddenly a bunch of money in the joint checking account that hadn't previously been accounted for.

So, I was weirded out.

Then on to his family, I sent an email to his sister Julie.  He seemed closest to her and I knew her best of all his siblings.  She knew the kids and had bought them cards or presents when they visited and always asked about them.  I thought she was the best person to write to.  I didn't want to write to his mother because at this point I was under the impression she was very sick and might not be able to deal with the news.

    from Rachel Drummond

    to Julie Gillispie

    date  Fri, Jul 2, 2010 at 2:54 AM

    subject   Pls read asap

    mailed-by    gmail.com

    7/2/10

       

    Dear Julie,

    I'm worried about Theo.  Setting aside all the awful divorce stuff, the last two paragraphs sounded almost like a suicide note.  I know you're looking out for him, so fyi.  I wish I'd gotten his email sooner.

    Thanks,

    Rachel

    ---------- Forwarded message ----------

    From: Theo Petersen <theopetersen@gmail.com>

    Date: Wed, Jun 30, 2010 at 9:48 AM

    Subject: Re: Budget, Itinerary and Contact information

    To: Rachel Drummond <rachel.drummond@gmail.com>

    I've left Colorado and I don't intend to return.

    I realize this doesn't solve anything.  After a year of trying to get

    you to understand some basic math I've given up on solutions.

    You don't deserve another three years of support (even if I believed

    that you would start work then, which I don't).  I've supported you

    since before we were married.  I gave you college and a master's

    degree, and if you used it you'd soon be earning more than me.  That

    really should have been enough.

    While you refuse to work there is no solution to our basic problem of

    income versus need.  I thought the divorce would be a wake-up call but

    obviously not; somehow it has only increased your sense of

    entitlement.  Continuing will just drive us faster down the road to

    bankruptcy.  It's life in hell, and I've had enough of that.  I can do

    hell on my own just fine.

    I've paid the mortgage and transferred my paycheck and what is left of

    savings into the joint account.  Do as you like with it.  You get the

    house and all the rest.  Good luck.

    I don't have an income any more.  I'm not hiding out with family or a

    secret girlfriend.  There isn't any great plan; I'm just gone.

    On Mon, Jun 28, 2010 at 1:38 PM, Rachel Drummond

    <rachel.drummond@gmail.com> wrote:

    > Hi,

    > I wanted to know the general budget for the time you are gone.  There's

    > $1679.00 in the joint account as of this writing.  I anticipate grocery

    > runs, perhaps a couple of outings to one of our membership places, we might

    > go out for my birthday.  We also have some clothing needs for the boys e.g.

    > pants are falling apart and Rowan needs some flip-flops.

    >

    > Can you tell me your itinerary and give me contact numbers in case your cell

    > phone has any problems?

    >

    > Thanks

    >

    >

 

 So....  

drum roll please....

Here's the email I got in response:

from    Tricia Davis triciasdoghouse@yahoo.com
to    racheldrummond@gmail.com (Yes, this is you.) Learn more
date    Mon, Jul 12, 2010 at 6:35 PM
subject    Theo
mailed-by    yahoo.com
signed-by    yahoo.com
   
hide details 7/12/10
   
I hope that you are happy now.  Theo paid for your college education and a masters degree; but when he came to you and explained that there wasn't enough money to pay all  the bills and meet the children's needs, you refused to get a job and help with the support of your children.  When someone is going down, anyone with a heart would offer to pitch in and help.  Not you ...oh no apparently you are simply too good to work, use the education you have, and get off your lazy ASS and help.  How dare you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I repeat HOW DARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!  You should be ashamed of yourself.  Do not bother telling anyone that Theo has killed himself.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  Even though we do not know where he is , we know that we is safe and away from you.  He loved his children and this would not have been the path he would have chosen ...but you left him no alternative.  Now you will have to pay the bills,  and good luck with that.  How many times recently have you overdrawn the checking account?  Now you will have to get your lazy ASS out of bed before 4:00 in the afternoon.  Now you will have to cook, clean, take care of the kids etc.  Have at it Honey!!!!!!!!!!!  You had a man who had a good job, worked hard, loved his kids, provided for you and his children...but when he needed your help where were you?  When he asked for help you told him ,"NO"!  Now you have run him off .  I have lost a brother because of you .  Your children have lost a father because of you.  Are you happy NOW!  Good Luck to you...!  Tricia

What?

What?

I think there's some Twilight music that is supposed to be playing here.

That's from Tricia, Theo's oldest sister.  Julie never responded except through Tricia.   I think the weirdest thing is that I'd talked to her once, over breakfast the morning after a wedding.  A wedding I couldn't attend because in Theo's wonderful scheduling, he'd left just enough time for him to get himself ready and for me to dress three children.  Theo took them to the ceremony as soon as I had them dressed.  I was still in my underwear.  Okay, yeah, I'm still pissed about that one...  the wedding where Theo insisted we have two rooms in two different hotels in two different cities simultaneously to avoid upsetting any family members.  Money-wasting, insensitive, jerk.

My response (BCC'ed to my lawyer) after two days of gathering and channeling the diplomacy of all my ancestors (not much there, but you take what you can get):

from    Rachel Drummond rachel.drummond@gmail.com
to    Tricia Davis <triciasdoghouse@yahoo.com>
cc    juliegillispie@sbcglobal.net
bcc    *******@aol.com 
date    Wed, Jul 14, 2010 at 2:20 AM
subject    Re: Theo
mailed-by    gmail.com
   
7/14/10
   
Hi Tricia,

I understand that you are furious with me right now.  I'm glad Theo has family who love him and staunchly defend him.

I wanted to get a hold of you, Julie and Warren precisely because care about him.  The last paragraph of Theo's goodbye email made me worry for him, but I wasn't sure if that feeling was justified or not.  I forwarded it in its entirety to Julie asking her to watch out for him -- I thought he was staying with her.  I thought she could read the whole thing and judge for herself whether I was inferring something that wasn't there.

This afternoon, the kids and I returned home to find that a deputy sheriff had entered our home looking for Theo.  I was disturbed and worried by the note on our counter:  "Recieved [sic] a request for a welfare check for Theodore Petersen from where he works please call work ASAP"  and he left his card: Wes Clements 97-05 Deputy Douglas County 303-814-7005 ext 6432 wclement@dcsheriff.net.

I also received this today:

    from    ******* <**********@gmail.com>
    to    rachel.drummond@gmail.com
    date    Tue, Jul 13, 2010 at 10:55 AM
    subject    Looking for Theo...
    mailed-by    gmail.com
    signed-by    gmail.com

       
    10:55 AM (14 hours ago)
 Hello Rachel,
      I found your contact information online after talking to *********..  I work with Theo at IBM (his only co-worker here in Colorado)  and his manager has told me he hasn't been able to get in touch with him for nearly 3 weeks.  Any idea how we could get in touch with him?  The number he has listed is 720-217-7099.  Any information you have on his whereabouts or a way to contact him is greatly appreciated.

    -****

You are right that he has always worked hard and taken his job very seriously which is why it is particularly disturbing that his co-workers have not heard from him.  He took one IBM work-computer with him, left another here and also left a large monitor also owned by IBM.  He has also always been painstakingly careful about returning employers' equipment as well as giving two weeks notice -- even staying longer if there is a critical project to finish.  It is very out of character and worrying that he hasn't been at work (in the virtual sense).

I don't know what is going on, but I wanted you, Warren and Julie to have all the information I have as soon as I have it.  I'll continue to keep you updated if you'd like.  Please feel free to contact the deputy or Theo's co-worker Brad directly.

Rachel

And then .....

from    Tricia Davis triciasdoghouse@yahoo.com
to    racheldrummond@gmail.com (Yes, this is you.) Learn more
date    Wed, Jul 14, 2010 at 2:11 PM
subject    Theo and his welfare
mailed-by    yahoo.com
signed-by    yahoo.com
   
7/14/10
   
Surely you do not expect Theo's family to believe that a sheriff broke into your home (when you were not there).  This would surely require a search warrant and a locksmith, as I am sure he did not break down the door to your home.  I have every right to be furious with you.  YOU and only YOU have been the reason for me to loose a brother, my mother to loose a son, and your precious children to loose a father (and a DAMN good father at that).  Why are YOU not furious with yourself ?  Since you feel you are SO Entitled, I feel we (Theo's family ) are ENTITLED to some answers.  Why are you not financially responsible for your children?  Why when your husband presented you with a spread sheet of the bills (showing how he was not able to pay all the bills) did you refuse to get a job?  Why do you choose not to use the education (that Theo paid for ) ?  Why get a masters degree and then sit on your lazy ASS and not work.  Do not even think about saying ,"I am the mother of disabled children".  Your supposedly disabled children (one which you chose to adopt and one of your own creation) are in school.  There is absolutley no reason why you could not work part time while they are in school.  You are a brilliant photographer...you could have done that on the side.  YOU are not stupid.  You are cruel and LAZY.  No woman with a heart could see her husband in such turmoil and turn a deaf ear.  No woman with any shred of  morals could keep overdrawing a checking account while her husband stood by powerless.  We demand an answer for why you felt entitled to sit on your ass for another 3 years after the divorce.  In case you haven't realized it by now honey...that was the nail in your coffin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Theo told us he would NOT pay for lazy ASS anymore.  He told us that he might have to leave his children to get away from you.  I detest you for making him feel this helpless.  I am not blind to Theo's faults.  I know he is distant.  I know he is moody.  I know he is emotionally detached...But you knew that when you married him.  Too bad you still do not realize what a great man he was.  How many men cook, clean, bake, do grocery shopping, pay all the bills , etc.  while their lazy good for little wife sleeps till 4:00 in the afternoon.  You are the one who told us about the 4:00 (bullshit).  You  may think that their is a brighter , more sunny world out there for someone as special and ENTITLED as you are ...but you are WRONG.  No more sleeping until 4:00 for you honey.  Now you can do the cooking (hopefully not peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) for your children.  Now you can pay the bills, shop, clean, etc.  You had it made in the shade and you blew it.  My brother is brilliant....he will never be found unless he chooses to be.  Your only hope is that he misses his kids enough to be willing to go through more divorce bullshit with you.  But I seriously doubt it.  He's had enough of you.  The loves and has always loved his children...he simply could not take you for another minute.  His lawyer called you a "Blood sucking parasite".  You should have taken the house, the more than generous child support, half of the assets and been happy with that .  You  (and your precious children) are now paying the price for your lazy ass ways and greed.  I WILL EXPECT AND ANSWER CONCERNING WHY YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK AND HELP FINANCIALLY RAISE YOUR CHILDREN.   Tricia

So.  There's Tricia in a nutshell.  She apparently is living on her own planet.  The highlighted section, my emphasis, is why I will always have a cozy, fungus-like loathing for her deep in some gross organ of my body.

I keep wondering who she is talking about.  I earned my degrees despite him.  I was the caregiver.  I did photography despite him.  I am even a better cook than him.  (Doesn't mean I like cooking.)  He was refusing any settlement with Child Support.   And finally, the man couldn't unclog a toilet if his life depended on it.  I fixed his gadgets, appliances (he was going to buy a new dish washing machine that I fixed for a $1.98 silicone washer) and the equipment he broke using it wrong.  He has the mechanical skills of a wombat wearing boxing gloves.  And I don't just say that because I am a supergenius.  It was more than ten years into out marriage before he learned how to operate the vacuum machine.  And yet he still questioned my competence.  When I said the garbage disposal needed replacing, I had to show him that it was on FIRE before he believed me.

I think Tricia had been listening to a real whack job.

In The Next Episode ....

Try to guess how I responded to this email and more!  Just out of curiosity, what one common household item would you, personally, have thought of using (and how), after reading this email.  Leave your ideas in the comments section.