This is the time period when I went into a weird shock. It was the kind of shock brought on my the realization that one ISN'T insane. During our whole divorce process, I'd been telling my lawyer, the Child Forensic Investigator (CFI) and anyone else who would listen, that Theo was going to quit the divorce process. I didn't know how or when or what form it would take, but I knew he would quit.
Theo likes things his way even if reality doesn't really work the way he wants. We'd only had one conflict in the marriage, that of whether I needed to be home with the kids. One of our children is blind, one has food allergies -- eggs, milk, beef, and peanuts, and one has Asperger's (an Autism Spectrum Disorder). I said yes, he said no. It was the first time I didn't cave in and give him what he wanted. So he asked for a divorce.
When he gave me the papers he said he had to because I wasn't getting a job (with the degree he never wanted me to get in the first place) and therefore I wouldn't be able to be his retirement plan like he had intended. So he needed to get a divorce to save money. What?
On the way to the first hearing, I phoned him to ask if he was planning on going into certain areas of our personal life. He said dismissively, "No. This isn't about our relationship, this is just about the finances." What?
At the hearing, his lawyer found out that not only did we have kids -- three not two --, they were special needs involved. She hadn't heard that before because Theo hadn't thought it relevant. His proposal? We sell the house, split the proceeds, I get the kids, he gets all the savings and it's all fair because we both get something. He wanted me to have custody and all decision making regarding the children on the condition that he didn't have to contribute financially. What?
He really thought child support was an optional negotiable sort of thing. When he found out how it actually worked, he suddenly wanted custody. Now Theo is very organized which makes for a good structure for kids, but that was about it. He'd never actually spent more than a few hours at a time with the kids and rarely with all three at once. Once he spent a few nights with Kai without me there. Rowan was five months old and in the hospital having abdominal surgery. So ten years ago he managed a couple nights with one kid. He would balk at any mention of me going out without the children, it was virtually unheard of for me to leave the house without at least one child. My classes and any work I tried to do caused strife because he didn't want to babysit. A few hours supervising the kids would have him in a foul, short tempered mood. By the last few years, I couldn't leave him with the children because he'd started becoming verbally abusive when I was absent. It had devolved to the point where it was more than obvious he felt we were all parasites in his house. He actively cheered when we would leave for multi-day trips camping. Actually, I cheered too.
It took many thousands of dollars and a Child Family Investigator to work out that Theo was not Custodial Parent material. I don't think that he liked hearing that he needed parenting classes and personal therapy.
So, the trend was going toward what everyone but him expected. A few nights a week with the kids, he pays some child support and the kicker, I get a few years maintenance to get job training and the kids a little further on in school. My fantastic lawyer (write me if you want his name, he is literally the best anywhere) and I were both of the same opinion that we should go middle of the road negotiating proposals rather than taking extreme positions and negotiating to the middle. I asked for 3 years maintenance rather than the 6 that could be granted for a marriage of our length (12 years). He fought the norm for a years' worth of litigation and found it wasn't going how he wanted.
Previously when things weren't how he liked he quit, washed his hands of them. When Kai was about three, I was sick in bed and couldn't read Kai's bedtime story. Theo tried to and Kai responded, "I want Mommy!" Pretty typical. His response. "Fine. I won't read to you." And he didn't. When his cat Christie started getting old and incontinent, he put her in the basement. "Cats get old. She had a good long life." What? She's not dead yet. She couldn't really move any more and I went down daily to give her subcutaneous fluids to keep her hydrated. She died in the basement and he didn't notice. He tried to do that to his cat Tommy when Tommy started to have giant pee accidents. I suggested the vet which he resisted strongly. I took the cat in anyway and it turned out Tommy had developed diabetes. By all accounts, Theo had quit college his last semester, his first marriage and the job he had in California before he met me all in much the same way. If he couldn't get what he wanted, he'd take his ball and go home.
I really didn't think he'd try and quit like this.
So... I was in shock because I was right and I really didn't want to be this right. My lawyer and the CFI were shocked too. I think they were shocked because I come across as such a space cadet and I'd been very emotional during this whole process. Theo comes across as organized, reliable, and in control. So. How about that.
I now had a week or so to find out what the hell he meant. After that, I'd need to tell the kids that something was up. Until then we could continue on like he was visiting his mother and maybe he'd come to his senses and the kids would never have to know what he'd thought of doing.
Was he suicidal? I don't know why that was my first thought, but it was. Part of my brain was still saying, "But you can't just quit, unless you mean..." Part of me thought he'd had a big panic attack and that he'd be in contact in some way through his family or maybe a coworker. I pushed the thought of suicidal behavior out of my head because I had the feeling that he wouldn't do it this way. I thought if he did it, he'd want us to see him so that we'd know it was our fault. That's more of his style. He'd want to maximize the guilt.
So I delayed while sending out email to my friends and family to let them know what was going on.
Then one day, we came home from shopping and found a card on the kitchen counter. It was a Douglas County Sheriff's business card with a note written on the back, "Came in for a well fare check on Theo Petersen; back door was unsecured. Call ******* at work to check in." This took me a bit of time to process. This meant .... I called the sheriff's number.
Theo's supervisor hadn't heard from Theo in two weeks and couldn't get a hold of him. Since Theo worked entirely remotely as a programmer, all their contact was online or by phone. So, this meant that the week before Theo left, he'd not been going to work and he'd lied about asking for time off to see his mother. Theo had taken all of his computers with him. He said he was going to work on the road. This was very unlike him. He'd always taken work very seriously, especially regarding an employer's equipment or software. He's the guy who gives two weeks notice or more and takes care of all the loose ends, even if he hates his job. I called his supervisor and it was true, Theo and all the equipment had dropped off the map.
It's kinda sad. I easily believed he'd take off on us. I was stunned and worried for his safety when he took off on his employer.
That's when I called the sheriff's department back and made an appointment to report Theo as a Missing Person.
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