July... again.

It's officially been a year since Theo left. I re-read the April entry and realized life hasn't been moving on. Actually, I think it has. It's been a Catch 22 of not being able to move on with Thing A because Thing B isn't done. Thing B isn't done because Thing A is a prerequisite. I think also that I was waiting for Theo to a reappear.

No matter how hard I try, I can't wrap my head around the fact that he left his children and never intends to see them again. It's as though he lifted off the ground by flapping his arms really quickly and my brain is trying to work out the air drag coefficients, lift and thrust equations that are obviously impossible. He has to be insane. Don't get me wrong, I will be quite happy to never see him again and generally have a "good riddance" attitude toward him. I just keep wondering how anyone could do this.

I've been ruminating entirely too much without any relief or answers. In this situation, the only thing that's ever helped is to write out everything.

So, in this series of events the turning point, the pivot is the email. Jeez, who the hell leaves their kids with an email?

Here's the setup. We'd been getting a divorce for about six months and he seems to be realizing that things aren't going to work out like he wanted. He wanted to take all the savings and have no obligation for child support. A long examination by a Child Family Forensic Investigator concluded that the kids should and would be spending the majority of the time with me. Though I asked to move out, he said it wasn't financially possible. So we'd been living in together since he filed for divorce. He wanted me to get another full-time job despite the fact that he also wanted me to do all the childcare. I'd already tried it once and the kids suffered (the worst was Kai's hair falling out from anxiety attacks) and I got fired for not being able to put in the hours and having to leave for kid emergencies. To add insult to injury, the childcare that was in place was either expensive, inadequate, unsafe, or all three.

So, late in June Theo begins acting squirrellier. My lawyer and I had just sent Theo and his lawyer out our latest offer which included three years maintenance (aka alimony). The reasoning was that I could get my teaching license and therefore be on the same schedule as the kids as well as have health insurance. By being in a flexible school schedule those three years, I would be able to help get Kai past middle school. Given the Colorado laws and precedents, six or more years wasn't unheard of, but three seemed to be a reasonable offer.

Theo was waiting the okay from work to go to Indiana. He said his sister Julie had been begging him to see their elderly and ill mother. He said that Julie had offered to pay for his trip and that he's going to drive out if work said okay. Next thing I know he'd packed up, kissed the kids on their heads, says he'll see them in a week and tells them to make sure I have a good birthday (my birthday is July 3rd and that weekend was my 40th birthday).

Here's the email exchange. Any present-day comments are in italic brackets.

from Theo Petersen theopetersen@gmail.com
to Rachel Drummond
date Wed, Jun 30, 2010 at 9:48 AM
subject Re: Budget, Itinerary and Contact information
mailed-by gmail.com
signed-by gmail.com

hide details 6/30/10

I've left Colorado and I don't intend to return.

I realize this doesn't solve anything. After a year of trying to get
you to understand some basic math I've given up on solutions.

You don't deserve another three years of support (even if I believed
that you would start work then, which I don't). I've supported you
since before we were married. I gave you college and a master's
degree, and if you used it you'd soon be earning more than me. That
really should have been enough.

[This had me furious. He had never supported my schooling and viewed it as my cute, little "hobby". Whenever it caused him to have to watch the children, he blew a gasket. "I don't work all day just to have to babysit at night." It took me eight years to get my MS and I got it by taking an evening class a semester and doing a work study to pay for it and earn about $9000 a year. During the days I was with the kids and a few nights a week I took a class. One comment that sticks in my head from those days was when he said that my degree couldn't be worth that much because I obviously wasn't putting much effort into it and still getting good grades.]

While you refuse to work there is no solution to our basic problem of
income versus need. I thought the divorce would be a wake-up call but
obviously not; somehow it has only increased your sense of
entitlement. Continuing will just drive us faster down the road to
bankruptcy. It's life in hell, and I've had enough of that. I can do
hell on my own just fine.

I've paid the mortgage and transferred my paycheck and what is left of
savings into the joint account. Do as you like with it. You get the
house and all the rest. Good luck.

I don't have an income any more. I'm not hiding out with family or a
secret girlfriend. There isn't any great plan; I'm just gone.
- Hide quoted text -


On Mon, Jun 28, 2010 at 1:38 PM, Rachel Drummond
wrote:
> Hi,
>
> I wanted to know the general budget for the time you are gone. There's
> $1679.00 in the joint account as of this writing. I anticipate grocery
> runs, perhaps a couple of outings to one of our membership places, we might
> go out for my birthday. We also have some clothing needs for the boys e.g.
> pants are falling apart and Rowan needs some flip-flops.
>
> Can you tell me your itinerary and give me contact numbers in case your cell
> phone has any problems?
>
> Thanks
>
>

So, I think this was my 40th b-day present from him.

My keyboard is messing up (bksp, h, g, and some oter (see?) keys are in need of rest.  Me too.

More primary documents and pictures of the quilt soon.